Queer Folk

Diary of A Femme-bot

As a lesbian, I tend to frequent gay/lesbian bars. (Shocking. I know.)
Logically speaking, you would think that frequenting these places of business–those geared specifically to my community–I would be free to go about my girly-gay business without the permeating stares that I get on a regular day out and about with my girlfriend. You would think that, right?


You see, because even in gay-centered businesses, bars, restaurants, and entire sections of city (Here’s looking at you, Gayborhood, Philadelphia!), I am still looked at as a spectacle amongst my peers. Why? Because, apparently, one can not be both a lesbian and feminine.

If you’re shocked, join the club. Maybe I missed Lesbian 101, but I was always under the impression that the short-hair-cut/flannel/tattoos/beanie/work boots thing was just a cliched stereotype. I always thought that just because I like lipstick, high heels, dresses, ponies, and the color purple, it was only my fervent enjoyment of the big V-word that qualified me as a lesbian.

I’ll be straight (ha!) with you here. I’m 22 freakin’ years old. I have had two boyfriends, and two girlfriends in my entire life. (And a handful of lesbian make-out-flings-in-dark-clubs, but who’s counting?) I’m sorry that I’m not perfect. I’m sorry that I struggled with my sexuality for a few years before the HomoFairy visited me in my dreams, smacked me roughly around the head, and instructed me to “get with the fucking program, you don’t like boys, you like girls”. I’m no Gold Star Lesbian, but I can say with certainty that while men are wonderful (I even have some of them as friends, shock and awe!), penises are icky, and I don’t ever want to see one again, thanks. I’m a lesbian. I promise. But apparently I’m not, according to my community.

If I had a dollar for every “you’re not gay, you’re straight” comment I’ve gotten from other lesbians, I’d quit my job with the little ones and open my own Cat House. I’ve been told that I’m not a “real” lesbian, because I dated a few (literally, only two) men in my life. I’m not a “real” lesbian because I like to dress up. I had a gay man in a unisex bathroom tell me that I “couldn’t be gay, because you’re too pretty to be gay.” I SHIT YOU NOT. HE SAID THOSE WORDS. Here I was, holding the stall door shut for my girlfriend whom, if I’m not mistaken, I’ve seen naked a few times or so, and BAM. This guy lays that on me.

I’m not a lesbian because I’m girly.
I’m not a lesbian because I’ve had boyfriends.
I’m not a lesbian because I’m “actually bisexual”.
I’m not a lesbian because it’s just a phase.

All of these things I’ve been told not by miscellaneous heterosexuals, family, or friends, but by random members of my own communityDespite all of the hardship, struggle, and judgement we face EVERY DAY by the Far Righties, Extreme Christian Agenda, and douchebags in general, here we are JUDGING OUR OWN PEOPLE. We are such a diverse group of beautiful and individual people. I don’t understand why we still feel the need to box others into what we feel they “should” be.

So, beautiful queer community, I will clear this up for you one last time:

I am girly. I like lipstick. I like lingerie. I like pink and things that sparkle. I like good books, and coffee, and intelligent conversation. And how much of this is relevant to the fact that I am also a huge, flaming lesbian? None of the above.

7 thoughts on “Diary of A Femme-bot”

  1. You and I are so much alike. I am a very girly lesbian as well. I love skirts, dresses, make up, and lots of other girly things. I also LOVE who I am. I totally agree with you that we should be more accepting as a community. But as for you, don’t you dare worry about what everyone else’s opinion of you is. You know who you are, and no one can change that. Never apologize for being exactly who you were born to be!

    And who cares if you’ve been with men? Life is about experimenting, and discovering who you are on a daily basis. Being a lesbian is not the only title that describes you. I’ve been with plenty of men, before I knew who I really was and what I really wanted, and I will never apologize for following my own heart, and being open to new things. For the most part, when people push their judgements on you, it’s really because they are insecure about something within themselves. You are perfect just the way you are. Your experiences are your own! BE PROUD!!

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words, and for taking the time to read my blog! I definitely agree with you, and I try not to be to harsh on myself for my decisions because they have definitely made me who I am! I just can’t stand the swirling judgements within our own community, and I hope that if enough of us speak out, maybe we can change it! Thanks for the follow, I promise to have more for you to read if you fancy! 🙂 xx -jess

  2. Ugh, stereotypes. I fervently wish that they didn’t exist. It’s why in the past I’ve avoided telling people that I’m a conservative Christian, because they assume that I’m a racist homophobe who gets all of her news from Fox. It always startles me, because not one of those things is true. But then people would say, “Oh, you’re *not* a conservative Christian. You’re a (progressive/liberal/libertarian/insert other title here) who *isn’t* actually a Christian. Don’t call yourself a conservative Christian.” Um, OK? I hold for myself what I consider conservative values: things like faithfulness to my husband and relatively modest dress. And I believe in Jesus. Conservative Christian actually fits. But apparently by assuming that name, people expect me to act a certain way and think I’m not right in the head if I don’t. They’ll tell me my self-identification is wrong. I’m so *obviously* not what I say that I am.

    You’re a lesbian who likes to be girly. I say people who don’t believe you can push off.

    1. I’m not saying you shouldn’t use whatever label for yourself that you think fits–but maybe before telling people you’re conservative, you should also share what it means to you. There’s a collective definition of “conservative” that a lot of LGBTQ people and others have been hurt by. So maybe it would be better for you, and people you meet, to explain what it means to you.
      When I read the words, “Conservative Christian,” at first I thought, “Oh, no!” I’m just speaking for myself. Then I thought, “What if she’s one of those who loves me, but doesn’t want me to have equal legal rights?” But it doesn’t sound like it, though my first thought was one of alarm.
      I have plenty of gay and affirming Christian friends, and I am a gay Christian myself. So I know that Christianity itself doesn’t necessarily mean homophobia (though I have to assume it does, unless I glean other information, for my own physical and emotional safety). But “conservative” triggers alarms for me, and it probably will for others, which explains the receptions you’ve gotten.
      It’s not your fault, but I think it would be easier for you if you briefly explained, probably before using that term. It would also put others at ease, who have been hurt a lot by well-meaning, loving “conservatives.”

  3. As someone who identifies as straight, I can’t speak from first hand experience but many of my gay/lesbian friends have critiqued the way that oppressive behaviors still exist within the LGBT community. If it isn’t the policing of clothing/makeup/hair/behavior so that one “looks gay”, then it’s the policing of heteronormativity, where every couple has to fit a femme/butch or male/female template. Two femmes, two butches or (shock gasp) a fluid combination of both masculine characteristics within both people doesn’t seemed to be as acceptable. Its really unfortunate. Thanks for speaking out on this.

    1. I LOVE that you brought the aspect of heteronormativity to the table. I plan on writing a post in the future about the “male/female” aspect that is almost expected of gay couples. You are so right. It shocks me every day that we are a group so discriminated against and yet we judge each other most harshly.

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