Feminism, General Life, Queer Folk

Dear Douchebag,

Dear Douchebag,

I’m sure that it was pretty evident to you that you made a bad choice.

Of course I’m talking about the choice you made to tell me that I am only a lesbian “because I haven’t met the right man yet”. It may have been my “Oh no he DIDN’T” facial expression. Or, it could have been the fact that my retort was “you just asked a question that would get you punched in the face in some circles”. What you probably didn’t realize–or maybe you did, because I’m not good at hiding my emotions–is that the urge to actually punch you right in your smarmy mouth was hard for me to resist. Resist I did, though, because I’m a motherfuckin’ lady.

I wish that I could say I’m surprised at your ignorant mindset. Alas, no, because not five minutes before you said what you said, you referred to your girlfriend as “a nice pair of tits”. Thank you for that, because I was really hungry for a nice misogyny-and-objectification sandwich. So listen here, pencil-dick, because I’m about to impart on you some much-needed information about things you obviously know nothing about: like tact, manners, and how to NOT be a douchebag.

Lesson One: Just Because You Worship Your Penis, Doesn’t Mean Everyone Does

I think that this is a very important lesson for you to learn. While you may have a hard-on for your own, there are women (lots of us!) that don’t need an XY chromosome in their lives in order to feel complete. Trust me, honeychild, I can lift heavy things all by myself. I don’t need you to kill the spider on the wall for me. I don’t need you to build the dresser I just bought from Ikea. (This edit-out is for you, commenter Mark! 😉 ) Despite what you may have been taught, I don’t need a penis in my life to define who I am as a person. I would also note that it is especially unwise to assume that you know a damn thing about someone that you’ve only known for 45 minutes.

Lesson Two: Rudely Objectifying The Woman You Are Dating Is Not Funny

You sir, are not funny. In fact, I’ve seen more hilarious jokes come out of a gag reel from 1983. I don’t know for sure if you were trying to get laughs when you completely dehumanized the woman you are supposed to love. Maybe that’s just your personality. (NOTE: If so, you have a shitty personality.) I actually don’t know what you were trying to achieve, but I can assure you that all you managed to do was make yourself look like an ass. I have to say, my heart goes out to your girlfriend. Because if that’s honestly how you think of her, she needs to get the hell outta dodge before you try and rope her in for life.

Lesson Three: Think Before You Speak

I know this one is probably asking a lot from you, because this last lesson requires you to actually use your brain. I think that with time though, even YOU can learn how to think before you speak–thus avoiding situations like this in the future. Think about it. Think about how rude it is to assume you know something about a person you never met. Think about how inappropriate to pass judgement on another person’s life, without knowing anything about it. Think about how fucking offensive it is to my girlfriend: the insinuation that I would actually leave the amazing woman that I love just because some meathead with a penis came along and “swept me off my feet”. There’s a hell of a lot more to it, homeslice, then what your peabrain is capable of understanding. And no, just because you cite your sister as a source (“My sister was a lesbian, then she got a boyfriend and she isn’t anymore”) does not count for all lesbians–or her for that matter. She could be bi, or pan, or straight, or gay, or whateverthefuck she wants to be and just like me, DOESN’T NEED YOU DEFINING HER SEXUALITY.

There you have it, man-boy. Three simple steps, and you’re on your way to escaping the debilitating Douchebaggery that must affect your everyday life. I can assure you that if you just listen to me, you will be well on your way to changing your life for the better.

And if you don’t want to listen to me? Well, judgement can be a two-way street. You tell me that I need a man to make me straight,I tell you that your pathetic pubic-hair mustache makes you look like a pedophile. Cheers! xx


7 thoughts on “Dear Douchebag,”

  1. (I can definitely do it myself, and I’d actually get it right the first time because I’d read the fucking directions.)

    I find it interesting how ironic it is that you add this to your “Don’t treat me like a weak female that’s a stupid generalization” arguement.

    It was a good read until I realized the position you were taking.

    Double standards.

      1. Well take my position as a Male who doesn’t fall into any (I would like to hope) broad generalizations, I read this article to understand all points of opinion.

        I’m not trying to argue that my opinion is super important, just that when you have a sympathetic person approach your public blog, its tough to link arms and help defend your point of view when I feel personally generalized in the same way you were.

        Eye for an Eye doesn’t feel so great as an observer from the side.

      2. Well, I want to apologize for making you feel attacked, or generalized, or what-have-you, because that was definitely not my intention at all. In fact, this post is 20% tongue-in-cheek to it’s 80% I-am-so-serious-this-pisses-me-off.

        Sweeping generalizations are definitely uncool and uncalled for, whether it be some he-man telling lesbians that they “just haven’t met the right man”, or women painting pictures of men as direction-ignoring, knuckle-dragging degenerates.

      3. That’s really all I wanted to get across. I am already correct in my thoughts on equality and whatnot so any offence that you could throw my way wont affect my personal beliefs, but you never know what impressionable people can read your article and you can be misrepresented.

        Everyone is the same, nobody deserves to be belittled based on the random chance of the womb!

  2. Looks like someones jimmies got rustled. I’d say youre just an internet tough girl, ranting on a blog may be A-okay as a way to deal with stress, but it hardly depicts you as someone with the backbone or mental finesse to come out on top during the actual vocal altercation.. I myself am severely lacking in that, but overall the tone taken here is in reply and well, in addition to all the above, no one really likes listening or reading from the position of this person, as if youre yelling at the listener instead of this jerk.

    Overall I’d say calm your fucking tits. having this kind of anurism over one dickhead is beneath anyone who is actually a lady.

    1. And I’d say you’re just an Internet coward, hiding behind a keyboard and an anonymous email address.

      Don’t tell me to calm my fucking tits on my own page, douchebag. You are the only “nobody” who has taken issue with this post. Obviously sarcasm and humor are two concepts that you haven’t learned yet. Skip along, fucker, and while you’re at it perhaps check your grammar. (You know, since you like preaching about “mental finesse”.) 😉

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